No, Girl on Twitter. You are not the only person who knows French, so you snidely telling us to look up that French phrase you used is not only a waste of time, but it makes you look foolish. You must be familiar with the concept of a loanword because what you just said has entered the English language.

Remember that time that didn't happen?: Poor oral hygiene and dishonesty

Here's one for Chicago public education.

When I was in second grade this new kid showed up. We were in gym class and the teacher asked what her birthday was. She had no idea. Besides thinking she was an idiot, I didn't think much of her (I was in the second grade and I thought you should know your birthday by then, yes. Let's get over my asshole thought-process).

Later that day, the class filed out to go to the bathroom. Now, my teacher, Ms. Farrell, I believe, waited outside. The new kid, a few other classmates, and I were the remaining people in the bathroom. I can't completely remember what happened between the bathroom and the incident which this post revolves around, but I remember that it involved her offering me stickers. Here's the way I think it went. Right before we left, the new kid asked me if I wanted a sticker. Of course I want a sticker.

She let me pick but said not to take the large, cat stickers. No problem. I noted that she was being strangely nice.

Right before we left, she demanded I give the stickers back to her, so I, perplexed by her instability, gave the stickers back to her after I told her that she explicitly told me I could choose any sticker just not the large, cat stickers. I pointed out to her that I didn't even touch the cat stickers. It wasn't even a big deal. Kid doesn't know her own birthday, she needs these stickers.

Here's where shit gets fucked up. She starts screaming and throwing her hands up and here I am, trying not to laugh. Now I'm trying to get her to stop being a histrionic hellion. Our classmates are equally confused. The girl walks out and a few classmates follow her in curiosity. The remaining classmates and I discuss what the fuck just happened.

The classmates that left come in and tell me that this girl is talking to the teacher. In a matter of moments, I get called out to the hallway.

So you thought things were unbelievable so far...

Now this teacher tries to be sly, tries to get me to admit first what I did wrong. Of course, I have no idea at this point what she's about to accuse me of.

"You know what you did. You called blahblahblah the B WORD."

This is news. By the way, I was burning up at that point because, one, I couldn't believe my teacher and I were discussing "the B WORD", and, two, IS THIS BITCH CRAZY? The teacher and the girl.

So I tell her the truth: I didn't call that bitch a bitch. The conversation (AKA her dramatic demonstration) I had with that girl didn't involve the word bitch in any form.

The teacher flatly says, "You're lying. Stop lying."

I was never more angry.

So here's where her scientific mind comes in. She tells me to show her my tongue. If it's white, then it proves to her I'm lying. Now, this kind of pseudo-test would be completely illegitimate and inappropriate in any normal situation, but apparently because I'm just a kid, I'm not supposed to know that this is a hokey piece of shit. I couldn't believe I was being subjected to this flawed sort of test, but at the time, I felt like I had to listen to a teacher (no more, no more). She told me my tongue was white which was likely a result of not scraping it, not a result of telling a lie.

Yeah, so basically I was accused of calling someone a bitch, and the verdict was that I was guilty because some pathetic idiot got hired as a teacher. The end.

Mohammad Reza Golzar

looks like

Charlie Sheen

Pretty, pretty

Today we discussed the ethics of meat eating.

Well, there goes my plan of pushing off important issues in order to exempt myself from facing my utter depravity.

Thanks, philosophy!

Now, for your enjoyment, a series of sad cows.

Now for a repository of thoughts on the matter:
I don't derive pleasure from the fact that the cow I'm eating was likely tortured and killed. I derive pleasure from its tasty flesh, and I would be equally happy consuming imitation meat. However, fake meat does carry with it that tinge of emptiness of knowing that what you're eating is not the robust muscle tissue of a once vigorous animal.

I Get to be Gawky Again!

I think my natural clumsiness has been intensified by my sudden growth spurt.

Things I've broken or otherwise damaged since yesterday:
- A Pyrex cup
- My foot
- My dignity

Ever since late May, I've been finding it difficult to walk without smashing my hip into something, contorting my legs, and tripping.

Also, my perception of height has completely changed because I'm still functioning in a mode in which height is judged by relativity, and the basis for comparison was my former height, which I thought was my permanent height. I mistakenly think someone is taller than I am, but my perception is slowly catching up with reality.

I think I've grown at least an inch, possibly two. It isn't like when I had my first growth spurt and I would wake up every morning and hulk over the sink more than I was hulking the day before.

Oh, Threadless

I came upon you one fine day through my roommate (Hi, Leah). You never fail to make meh smilez.

I was browsing the site, when I came upon this brilliance:

I thought, "This is swell! I needed one of these today. Now I can warn others before they get angry at me that this particular park was executed poorly and I'm not going to repark because deal with it."

And then I thought, "Well, why in heavens would I need to buy a 15-pack? Or... a 30-pack? I think I just need four at most (one for each side of my car)."

And then I realized that these were meant to be stuck on others' cars, and only I would consider sticking it on my own car.

I can see this being used as it was originally intended. In a manic spree, perhaps. In the bubble of hot anger and indignity. You know how road rage gets. Ain't nothing like some cathartic road rage.

I'm joking!!!!